Is ChatGPT Ruining Your Relationship?

This piece is being written somewhat ‘tongue in cheek’ and where I have specified ‘ChatGPT’ - it could be any Ai source. Recently, and particularly in couple sessions I can see that at least one partner seems to be withholding information - not specifically about themselves or the other person, but rather that they know something but don’t know how to share it. Of course it isn’t uncommon for people to spend HOURS using a search engine to learn more about themselves, their relationships - and particularly - what is WRONG with the other person. There are times when this may actually be helpful - but for the most part I don’t think it is. It creates a mysterious third party in the relationship, a ghost, a monitoring spirit, if you will. There is something influencing the way your partner sees you and understands you - that isn’t coming from dialogue between the two of you. 

What I am particularly curious about is how people with highly narcissistic traits might go down some Ai ‘rabbit holes’, seeking validation and some sort of weird intellectual dominance, as they are prone to do. What I know for sure from conversations with clients is that they are using Ai to, for example, submit documentation for court, draft letters and emails, and use terminology that their partner or ex-partner has never heard them use before. The second thing I am curious about is how people discern and or integrate this newfound knowledge with the way they relate to their partner! What I see is one partner being ‘diagnosed’ by the other. I tend to use Non-Violent Communication in couple work - and this is generally frowned upon, and it isn’t helpful. If you are the partner being diagnosed - I would find this very difficult and confusing - and if you are the partner doing the ‘diagnosing’ this strikes me as somewhat unfair. Now, the exception to this is if you are concerned that your loved one may have depression, anxiety or some other serious mental health issue - in which case that ‘researching’ should lead to an appointment with your family physician or mental health provider. 

I took a little spin with ChatGPT, just vaguely venting about my relationship, and some minor issues. It took me down a strange path of eliciting more information that something was WRONG rather than getting information about what is actually RIGHT. It is a little like an attorney ‘leading the witness’. So, my simple complaint about my husband quickly became a stepped algorithm for how I would leave the marriage! So what did I do? I asked Google!!!

(Yes, that was intended to be funny). Guess what Google said? Google said that : ChatGPT is ‘sycophantic’, which means that it tells you what you want to hear! So, if you have a partner who is neurobiologically wired to only hear and understand what they want to hear, this is very problematic. 

So, what I have learned, and what I would say to any of you - is that we need to use our critical thinking and take most of what we read on Ai that is synthesizing our thoughts and emotions- without any other information with a grain of salt. It can be helpful for so many practical things. 

The best information about the people we love comes from the people we love. 

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W.,M.A.R.S.W.,R.P.