Toxic Insecurity

When we think of ‘insecurity’ as a trait, we tend to think of those individuals who lack confidence, have low self esteem, are constantly comparing themselves to others, and may be prone to people-pleasing. There may be elements of their personality that are high in the trait of ‘neurosis’ (not my favorite way of describing it) and they may seem harmless, if perhaps a bit needy in their relationships. Generally we may feel a sense of benevolence toward them, as if we should support and encourage, and even do our best to bolster their sense of self. These folks are, of course, easy targets for narcissists, because there may be the perception that they are easy to control, that their lack of sense of self, extrinsically validated, makes them easy to control. In my experience this is the case. There is however, something else to consider:

All of the Cluster B and C personality disorders (those characterized by instability and anxiety) have elements of being insecure. Then, of course, there are people who are insecure who DON’T have any character pathology, but are simply difficult to deal with at times. These are people who are aware of this, and it is an ego-dystonic trait for them - meaning they suffer with having this awareness and they know it is something that keeps them from being fully self-actualized. What I wish to focus on here, is that beneath narcissism, borderline traits and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is toxic insecurity - which is not at all held in conscious awareness. It is ego-syntonic, meaning that there is no awareness that it is an issue. Much of the behaviors and internalized experience of these people is about defending this very insecurity to protect them from the deeply uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and shame.

So, what is meant by toxic insecurity? Toxic insecurity plagues relationships, groups and organizations. If we think of the definition of toxic, that it is something poisonous that affects other organisms, this is the idea - someone’s wounds and pain influence their perceptions of themselves and other people. They maintain a scarcity mindset where if someone has something good - they are worried there isn’t enough of whatever that may be for them. They tend to feel easily threatened and fall into what I describe as the ‘shame/vulnerability’ vortex’. (Please see my YouTube videos for more information about that). This is the individual at work who was promoted up the ranks without appropriate or adequate training and experience who is then threatened by people with innate leadership qualities and capability or education and experience. This happens much more than you might think.

This refers to the absence of authenticity at times, as well as an intrinsic sense of self. People who have toxic insecurity rely on others to fill their confidence cup, so to speak. These are the people who need ‘followers’, ‘minions’ or ‘sycophants’ to feel better about themselves (and often those folks are clearly insecure, as well). Their actions can be unconsciously motivated and they can seem mean or condescending without meaning to. They are very, very good at micro-aggression and will lash at those people who make them feel inferior. Or…. they can copy, mimic or pretend that they actually like the person who makes them feel less-than.

Of course, they are people we steer clear of, if you can, and and if you can’t, do your best to maintain good boundaries and maintain your own sense of power and confidence.

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W.,M.A.,R.S.W.,R.P.