Narcissism and the Conditioned Self

In the simplest of terms we experience two parts of ourselves. There is the ‘authentic part’ - the part that experiences everything good, that lives in ease and pure optimism, or contented neutrality. Conditioning refers to how we are influenced by external forces, or by how we engage in something to create a particular outcome. Then, there is the ‘conditioned’ part. This shows up as anxious, fearful, irritated, confused and so on. (Anger for the record can be an authentic or conditioned response, as can sadness). Our Authentic self is who we are without worrying about anyone else, isn’t invested in any outcomes and is intrinsically motivated. Our Conditioned self, on the other hand is who we are because of how we have been rewarded or punished for certain behaviours. This isn’t all bad, of course, we do need to learn certain ways of being to survive in the world.

Our conditioning is influenced greatly by what we learned about ourselves from our caregivers, and later, other adult authority figures. If you were raised by a narcissist your very first conditioning is that their needs come first, and yours last. You may have been shamed or dismissed for even having emotions. A parent’s silence and dismissal forms a powerful way that you avoid doing anything that would displease them. You become fearful then, of displeasing anyone, and may take on a disproportionate amount of blame as a child and even as an adult. The most insidious form of this is when a parent chastises you for having any sort of needs, and criticizes you, or makes you feel guilty for wanting to do something that is important to you.

Over the years I have met with a number of people who have experienced anxiety, depression or self esteem and relationship issues who all share the common trait of not seeing themselves as important, and putting their own needs dead last. This is not something that comes naturally, or is even necessarily part of their personality - it is an early attachment pattern that they learned to feel as safe and ok as possible. This, of course, becomes a pattern that gets repeated in their adult relationships. As well, this makes you an easy target for any sort of toxic personality who has difficulty taking responsibility and who is self-absorbed.

Another way that people are conditioned is by being made to feel guilty for how another person feels. Guilt is a very powerful tool for conditioning. Let’s consider this. Where do we learn guilt? Does it serve us in any way?

For anyone who is now aware of this conditioning, there are many ways of shifting this to balancing your needs with others and overcoming these patterns.