Tall Poppy Syndrome

As life as we know it is changing rapidly around us, in many ways, we humans remain the same. From 29-27 B.C. ‘Titus Livius’ wrote 5 books of Roman History, one of them telling the story of ‘Tarquin the Proud’ who wanted his sons to kill all the senators he deemed a threat to his power - he did this by chopping off all the ‘tall poppies’ in his garden with a sword. Dictionary.com defines ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’ from 2 perspectives, that of those wielding the sword, and that of the poppy. This ‘syndrome’ refers to a ‘tendency to begrudge, resent or mock people of great success, talent or status and for the ‘poppy’ a ‘tendency to downplay one’s own achievements or talent in order to avoid the resentment and mockery of others’. This can occur within families, friend groups and work settings and generally refers to someone achieving some level of success that evokes envy or fear in other people. It is influenced by the social culture of the group and how success is fostered, celebrated or devalued and dismissed. For example, if you were the first of your family to attend university this may be met with contempt from those that were not able to achieve that. Particularly for women, who need communal belonging to thrive, this can be quite upsetting and even a deterrent for them to work toward their goals. For this piece, I am focusing on women, and for the most part - how women react to another woman’s success. However, this could easily be influenced by gender disparity, toxic masculinity and internalized misogyny - and men also experience this maltreatment. 

A 2018 report investigating the extent of ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’ in Canadian workplaces found that nearly 9/10 of those surveyed felt that their achievements were undermined in the workplace. They reported being left out, ignored  or silenced after a success. This also happened within their friend groups. That is a profound statistic that speaks to the consequences of upward and downward comparison and the real threats to our psychological safety if we strive to reach our fullest potential. This speaks to the way those around you truly FEEL when you are successful thus, it isn’t as much about YOU as about their own sense of self esteem, but also their own sense of what is FAIR. The idea that one person achieves what another doesn’t can often trigger other people to believe that this is rooted in ‘fairness’ attributing your success and their comparative failure to forces outside your control. 

If you factor in any kind of narcissistic dynamic, this ups the ante considerably. Narcissists NEED to be the ‘Tall Poppy’ as feeling superior helps them to maintain ego equilibrium. So, if you achieve something that they haven’t, if you become more visible, this causes them extreme upset and makes it difficult for them to regulate their nervous system. Lacking self-awareness and insight, they know only to blame the person they are monitoring and competing with for their agitation, rather than their own pathology. This is particularly true if the narcissist happens to be your boss, supervisor or manager. You will find yourself, left out of vital communication passed over for promotion, and socially isolated.  In many cases narcissists will go to great lengths to engineer a false narrative about you and try to turn people against you. I am compelled to say, as a therapist who works with those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, this can be rooted in family of origin dynamics, and then repeated in your adult relationships. I have met many women in my practice who have been ‘cut down to size’ by their husbands, in the form of devaluation, dismissal, criticism and sabotage. To me this is the very definition of ‘malignant envy’. 

Envy can be ‘good’ inspiring one to do better, be better, or it can be ‘bad’, or malicious where someone lacks the consciousness to understand their motivations. ‘Bad envy’ lives in the shadow parts of ourselves, our wounded child and our ‘conditioned self’. It sits very low on the hierarchy of emotional energy and vibration. 

What is the impact of ‘the syndrome’ on ‘the Poppy’? It can lead to self-doubt, insomnia, somatic complaints, anxiety, depression, substance use and relationship problems. I believe many women who experience this are likely also very kind and empathic by nature and will likely identify more with the feelings of those around them, even feeling responsible for their upset. It can lead to women being afraid to share their small wins, accolades and victories. In my opinion, this can contribute to cumulative stress and trauma. If you are someone who as a child was ‘gifted’ or ‘highly sensitive’ being the target of other people’s envy may be something all too familiar. 

I don’t think one can inoculate themselves from this very human response. I DO think what can be helpful is the following approach:

1. 1. Self-awareness - know your triggers, fears and responses if you are treated this way.

2. 2. If this is a workplace, keep a written timeline of what is happening and being said.

3. 3. Take very good care of your emotional energy

4. 4. Lean into  your support system - especially if they celebrate your successes.

5. 5. Practice self compassion - and Compassionate Detachment - do not allow yourself to feel responsible for other people’s negative feelings. 

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W., M.A., R.S.W., R.P.

Sources:

‘Tall Poppy Syndrome: The Joy of Cutting Others Down’ by Dr. Douglas Garland

‘The Tallest Poppy Study’ - by Dr. Rumeet Billen with ‘The Women of Influence’.