Recognizing Patterns of Narcissism in Groups or Systems

I recently posed a question to myself. Is it a sign of narcissism in a group if the group is focused on meeting only their own needs, or that of one person? The answer is fairly easy to guess. If we consider any kind of group, a support group, a meditation/spirit group, a mom’s group, a book club, a volunteer organization, very likely one in five of those people have narcissistic traits significant enough to influence the dynamics of the entire group. It is rather like the power of one. I have been in my fair share of groups, volunteer, church, work, personal, where one person held a level of power and influence over the whole group. Let’s face it, narcissists are VERY good at surrounding themselves with people - it makes them feel powerful and gives them a sense of belonging. And, to be fair, there are certain types of people who are drawn to these types of groups, as well. I think that there are groups that have narcissists as leaders, as well as groups that have more covert/vulnerable narcissists who are followers. I think that there are groups that not only have narcissists at the helm (whether that is obvious or not) but that take on a self-absorbed, superior-complex type of culture.

Indeed it is in this last instance that the group members may lose the plot. People gathered for very lovely and kind purposes can very much lose sight of the original intention for being together. I have a background in social work which has a foundational focus on the health and functioning of different systems, like human ecology, if you will. The health of these systems is really predicated on how members of a group or family, or organization serve to organically meet all the parts of that system. This is where group members do not serve to meet the needs of all its members but rather service that of their own needs or agenda, that of the narcissist in leadership, or both. The most obvious example of this is pseudo-support or shared-interest groups. This is where you may see that one, or maybe a few more people suck up all the time and energy, having the focus entirely on them, while the concerns and struggles of other group members are dismissed entirely. Additionally small wins, life events and accomplishments of SOME group members are celebrated, where others are dismissed out of hand. Some of these people are in a sycophantic relationship with the narcissist - but others are really just focused on themselves, lack empathy and are not particularly interested in the concerns of others because there is no ego pay-off for them. Also, some group members will have the perception they are investing in group cohesion if they ‘go along to get along’ with behaviors they disagree with - they are fearful of displeasing the leader and/or being rejected from the group. Much of these dynamics are not conscious. Naturally, old attachment and family dynamic patterns play out within these scenarios, as well.

Most of us have an inherent need to feel a sense of belonging - and if you are like me - you are vulnerable to these types of groups situations because you value community. Empaths, people who are prone to loneliness, and people who need a lot of external validation are easy targets for narcissists who may be showing the communal side to their pathology. Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists can be very adept at gathering a posse of people that help them feel safe. If you don’t fall in line with this behavior, this will trigger the narcissist and you will become a target in this situation.

Be discerning. If a group starts referring to themselves as being unique or special, this is a huge flag. If a group consists of people who are friends/family members and few outside stragglers, this can be a flag. In a work situation, if there are people who are friends with the boss-type person outside of work, this can be problematic. It is very difficult to find a group that doesn’t have a toxic or self-absorbed person in it, as this is the law of psychological averages. However, it is important to notice and take care of your energy. How do you feel after participating in the meeting or gathering? Do you feel agitated, anxious, drained or confused? Tap into your values, if you value the intentions, or mission of the group, then it might make sense to stay. Create boundaries for yourself with respect to how much time, energy or other resources you share. Ultimately, being a part of something should be fulfilling and nourishing.

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W.,M.A.,R.S.W.,R.P.