On Narcissism and Malignant Envy

By diagnostic definition, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are envious of others, and believe others are envious of them. This makes sense as it is likely a simple projection, and their ability to measure their own self worth is often contingent on comparison to others. If we consider that 80% of our reality is driven by the unconscious mind (according to Bruce Lipton in the Biology of Belief), this explains not only the perceptions and motivations of those who are narcissistic, but for all of us. If narcissists have this rootedness and envy, is it possible part of what feeds their ego supply is the perception that others are envious of them? Yes, quite likely, but I think we are all prone to that, to a certain extent. If you need proof of this, do a little scrolling on social media - especially Instagram, where a myriad of ‘content creators’ are really engaging in a performative humble brag about their carefully curated lives. Envy plays a much bigger role in our motivations than any of us care to admit.

What is envy? It is rooted in the entitlement mindset that we are deserving of what someone else has, or that there is less of anything if someone else has it. It is the ugliest manifestation of the scarcity mindset. Is it fuelled by grandiosity or insecurity? I’m inclined to say both. The attachment origins of envy are very likely when you received praise or love from parents only when you were doing better than other people. (This is a common dynamic in narcissistic family systems where the children are praised only when they make the narcissist look good). This is an example of malignant envy - when one person’s need to feel special influences other people. We may be more prone to envy if we are feeling more low or depressed, if we have had recent challenges, disappointments and losses. I see this as being perfectly understandable, compared to those who need to feel that they are ‘winning’ at all times.

Envy can show up when an insecure person feels threatened. Show of hands: how many of us have experienced this in the workplace? So many hard-working, naturally creative people become targets in the workplace because they are perceived as threats. Have you ever been in a new environment, or social circle and someone immediately dislikes you for no real reason? More than likely this is envy- and they don’t know why they don’t like you either. Most of us experience envy as an uncomfortable feeling that is transient. For narcissists, however, envy can be what brings out quite destructive urges. A narcissist will not have insight about the envy and will blame you for the vulnerable way they feel. (In my book I refer to this as the ‘shame/vulnerability vortex’. This idea lives in our collective consciousness in the fairy tale archetypes of Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty - who fall into peril when they threaten the ‘Evil Queen’.

The most painful envy happens when it comes from people close to us, friends, family, colleagues and even partners. This is apparent when they don’t celebrate your successes, give you bad advice, change the subject when people compliment you and when they become dismissive. I’ve always thought that envy was a significant reason for the ‘devaluation and discard’ phase of narcissistic relationships. The body language of envy is fairly consistent. You will observe crossed arms, a down-turned mouth, the chin and head tilt slightly. Note: this is also a fairly tell-tale sign of narcissism.

Should you be on the receiving end of someone’s envy, it is important to have clarity about this - and compassion for both yourself and them. This is a very negative energy, and you need to care of your own energy by being around supportive people who celebrate you. If someone can’t relate to you because of envy, that is very much their loss. Someone being envious of you does not make you better than them, but it does mean they are in a place of vulnerability that feels intolerable.

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W.,M.A.,R.S.W.,R.P.