Narcissism and Abuse by Proxy

People who know me and follow my work also know that I really dislike some commonly used phrases used to describe narcissism. I have to say ‘flying monkey’ is on the top of the list! Entire generations don’t even know what it means! (I, for one, saw the original Wizard of Oz movie and was terrified of the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys!) But what does that really mean? The Wicked Witch of the West had those creepy flying monkeys who carried out her bidding! In a similar fashion, narcissists overtly and covertly have other people carry out their mean messages, dismissal and devaluation and have third parties treat someone poorly. I call this ‘Abuse by Proxy’. 

One of the earliest places this shows up is in the toxic family system, where one or more children are favoured and influenced to reject or harm another child. The recruited child then may physically or verbally harm another child, or children. The more enmeshed a child is with their narcissistic parent, the worse this is.   This is a pattern that can carry on into adulthood. This also happens with bullies, who recruit others to isolate or harm someone - this refers to both adults and children. This happens within workplaces, where one employee may be spying on or challenging another employee at the behest of their manager or supervisor. 

Another way this may show up is with an enmeshed parent-child dynamic where a child is turned against a parent. They are subtly conditioned to reject or be critical of the other parent. This is a slow and insidious process, that after divorce, may lead to parental alienation. That child is robbed of an authentic relationship with one parent, and the other parent is on the receiving end of disrespectful or even abusive behavior from a child. This may also play out in the legal system, where a lawyer is co-opted into the attack. 

‘Abuse by Proxy’ is really just a form of the triangulation narcissists use all the time. The ‘Proxy’ person remains a bit in the dark about the true character of the narcissist. This is also the core motivation for a smear campaign - where misinformation or scathing details are used against someone to influence the way people see the victim. I have known narcissists to weave very tangled webs where they recruit others to be a part of the campaign, by creating false narratives. To take a closer look this is about emotional regulation for the narcissist and the easiest way they do that is by preserving their fragile egos. 

If this has happened to you - it’s important to be aware of it. You don’t necessarily have to defend yourself, but focus on those whose relationships and opinions really matter to you! 

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W., M.A., R.S.W., R.P.