Changing the Mother-Daughter Dance

“Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers. The soothers, the peacemakers and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect and placate the world”.  (Harriet Lerner, PhD. The Dance of Anger). 

Mothers and daughters, unless there has been significant alienation or estrangement, are part of an interesting dance of both attunement and hypervigilance. They pay exquisite attention to one another’s body language, tone of voice and shifting emotional states. There is a constant effort to take care of her feelings, and sometimes, if you are very lucky she is trying to take care of yours.  This is where decades of guilt are forged in the fire. (If your mother is narcissistic or has borderline traits this is exponentially more true). I believe Harriet Lerner had it right, much of our communication as women is about avoiding anger, keeping the peace and not disrupting delicate systems. We carry messages in our psyches written about our mothers, our inner narrative can largely be characterized by these early messages. I caught myself being very hard on myself the other day - and that is exactly where that came from - the early intermittent reinforcement that things had to be perfect to avoid getting into trouble. And that ‘getting into trouble’ is a significant attachment disruption - at least without repair. No matter how old we are, or they are, mothers can continue to wield a significant amount of power. It’s not that we shouldn’t respect them - of course not - but we do need to be mindful of the balances of power, which are part of the ‘dance’, if you will. 

Mother - daughter relationships live on a spectrum of being detached or even estranged, to having healthy boundaries and a reciprocal relationship, to being fully enmeshed. So the way we change the dance is going to be predicated by where we exist on this scale. We begin by getting curious. Where is our relationship with our mothers on this scale? Check in with where your suffering is. Do you feel anxious before you see your mother? Does it continue in her presence? Do you feel irritated, bored, disappointed? Your own feelings are your cues. We start by getting super curious about it, use some self-inquiry, write in a journal, if that helps. THEN, start working on your emotional regulation, learn and use breathwork and grounding techniques. Next, be aware of when old conditioned messages are coming to the surface. We have everything we need to take care of that hurting inner child and provide a loving message that comes from self-compassion. 

This starts with you and it takes intentional practice. Start on your own, check in on yourself from time to time, then you can expand this to when you are with your mother. This life is really a journey of individuation of finding your true self based on who you are above and beyond this early conditioning. 

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W., M.A., R.S.W., R.P.