Five Reasons Families Become Estranged

In the last five years, particularly after the COVID 19 pandemic, I have been speaking more with clients who have experienced some form of estrangement in their families. During the pandemic this was very much happening in the context of what rules people were or weren’t following, and due to the shifting sociopolitical positions people experienced during this same time frame. I believe this time also created a ‘tear in the relational fabric’, as we all adjusted to seeing people less. Since then, therapists are hearing about family/relational estrangement more often. Here are five common reasons people grow apart:

1. 1) History of Parental Alienation 

This is basically when parents divorce - and one turns the child, or children against the other parent. This is, of course, common with narcissistic parents. This can also be if an adult child or children, choose sides and shuts out the other parent.  What I have learned about this, is that one parent influencing the child’s opinion of the other starts long before the actual divorce, is subtle and complex. Essentially the child is more afraid of losing or upsetting the parent they are trying to make happy. When this pattern starts in childhood, the long term implications can be complete estrangement when they become adults. This may also be a factor if you have divorced someone with narcissistic traits, some of which have been passed down to the children. This is the extreme outcome of alliances within families. 

2. 2) Influence of an ‘In-Law’

This is likely the most common example - but it may indeed overlap with the others listed here. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who focuses on estrangement, refers to this as a ‘Cult of One’. Essentially this refers to when your adult child marries, or is partnered with someone who isolates them from their parent(s) and even family and friends. The partner starts to have increasingly more control and influence in the relationships, activities and decisions. Essentially one partner starts to lose their identity to the others - similar to a cult.  It may be rooted in abusive or controlling dynamic, but not necessarily. This intensifies when children come into the world and one of the most painful results of this is that grandparents don’t see their grandchildren. It may also be that the controlling partner’s family is favoured. (Note: this can be due to enmeshment between one partner and their parents.) 

3. 3) The Armchair Psychologists

Another trend I have noticed over the last 5 years is the number of adult (and some adolescent) children who decide that one or both of their parents is narcissistic. They become very preoccupied with their perceptions of their parent’s personality traits and behavior and then seek out on-line resources and - yes- therapists who confirm this. Rather than seek a more holistic understanding, explore patterns or try to learn new boundaries, they ‘go no contact’ with a parent, or parents.  There are of course times when it is healthy to cut ties with a parent completely. If there is a history of physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or if they have taken advantage financially it does not make sense to have this person in your life. This is much more common with the Millennial generation who tend to value information over connection. 

4. 4) The Conflict Avoidant

If there was some sort of rift, fight or conflict - it can be difficult to repair any hurt feelings, or misunderstandings. It is easier, and more comfortable to simply avoid the other person. The longer there isn’t any communication, the greater the gap becomes and the less likely there will be a reconnection. This can also be about holding a grudge, as well. 

5. 5) The Low Effort Family

This is another dynamic that is becoming more common - and is somewhat similar to number 4. Not staying in touch, time passing and frankly, apathy can be a reason why we become estranged. There may not be any hurt feelings, grudges or misunderstandings, but rather people just don’t make the effort. This dynamic could very well be rooted in the pandemic lock down years when we just didn’t see people, and adjusted to our smaller circles. 

Estrangement can be very painful for all parties involved. Therapy or mediation can be helpful to bring all parties to the table to foster empathy and connection and learn strategies for improved communication.

Stacey Sanderson, B.S.W.,M.A.,R.S.W.,R.P.